Harry Potter Skeptic Gifts

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

"I never get a girls name tattooed on a first date."

"Sometimes I wonder about what our patients have to take."

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

Cupid's Valentine

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

'I can't believe she married the prince after only one date.'

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

"I'm putting you on a stronger placebo."

"I never knew what love was until you came along and explained it to me."

'And don't say you could have done it cheaper and better at home.'

"And you're telling me this because?"

Clever youth stating that he considers Shakespeare overrated

"He's falsified data, he's falsified results...and now he says he loves me."

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..."

'I've got SO much on my plate right now, Steve - Ask me again when I'm fifty.'

'I don't know, Randy - Marriage is so INTRUSIVE.'

"It would never work out- we're from two totally different tiers of the upper middle class."

"You have zero empathy, Carlton. And I can't even begin to imagine what that's like."

"And that was the news. . . But please feel free to go online and vent your spite, spread your conspiracy theories and promote your ill-informed opinions. . ."

"Not on my watch..."

"You're welcome. Glad you like them."

"I've been getting a second opinion."

"Finally - my dating app just launched a 'Why am I seeing this loser?' feature."

'I didn't know our relationship was SUPPOSED to be going anywhere.'

"I've never been what you'd call an 'ethics head.' "

"And where exactly is Timbuktu?"