Habit-wearer Gifts

"He's so bossy I call him Big Brother!"

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

"You say I can move mountains? Right now,it's all I can do to turn over a new leaf!"

Giving Things Up For Lent.

"We have to stop meeting like this – people are starting to talk ‘psychiatric ward.’"

'Knock it off, Gus! This is tough enough without your yodeling!'

Seeing the marriage counselor.

"Ok Mr Rogers, that's enough bubblewrap."

"Yes, Mr. Hargraves, thumb-sucking can be cured. But first let's talk about what your other hand is doing."

'Since he stopped smoking, he doesn't know what to do with his mouth.'

"He downloaded one of those apps that helps you quit smoking."

'I'm worried. I gave up smoking without any trouble.'

"Well, last year I kicked gambling. . . the odds are 3 to 1 the New Year will be a good one."

Shut Yer Yapper and be Happy, Loser! There's a ton of so-called simple self-help books. The five most important questions: 7 habits of highly effective people: 7 steps to living at your fullest potential. Too many steps! She's going to be filthy rich.

"Don't worry. She usually breaks her fitness resolution within the month."

Comfort Zone Lady Leaving a Room.

Smoking Cessation Clinic - Formerly The Pub.

'Our dog's been dead two years but he can't break the habit!'

Addiction Research Centre.

'Scanning articles without finishing them on the Internet is affecting you. You're not finishing anything.'

'You've got to stop living in the past.'

'Diet patch, stop-smoking patch, birth control patch...'

"That's your best shot at a New Year's resolution? Stop flushing dental floss down the toilet?"

"I'm giving up giving up!"

"I'm on a social media diet. I'm giving up tweets."

'You don't even know you're doing it, do you?'

Gps to advise on 'lifestyle' issues

Human Cull: People who constantly sniff, instead of blowing their nose.

'That's the thing when you start living with someone - you discover all of their little habits.'

"So there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can think of giving up the New Year apart from your peanut collection?"

"Pushing buttons with anything other than your index finger is an affectation."

'Well that's what you get for picking your scab. . .'

'Book of Virtues'...'Book of Vices'

Ernie made a couple of new year's resolutions --- to cut down on his little fibs and to focus on building his career. Your new resume says you were a "Theater Director"? Sure, you remember I was an usher. "Experienced white collar worker"? My job at the dry cleaner. Ernie, you were never a "circuit judge"! I inspected electrical work. Well, at least he's keeping one of his resolutions, so he's doing better than most of us!

I want to develop a routine. It'll make me more interesting. How so? A person who regularly does the same things at the same time is boring. Either that, or he's establishing an alibi to cover for nefarious deeds he's controlling from a distance using apps on a disposable smart phone. I bet you're wondering what my other hand's doing under this table right now. Never say that sentence again in life.