Guidance Counseling Gifts

"I want to be a Jockey."

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"Soul searching? Yes, you could call it that."

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

Licensed Therapist

'As a beginning teacher, you know you come here prepared to teach and become a good teacher. As you gain experience, you will learn that you also come here to care and become a great teacher.'

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"It's no my fault I got a D. The system is broken."

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

"What do you want to talk about first...the kleptomania or the hoarding?"

"We first met on the net. We began to court, but between my foul mouth and Wilson being on the rebound...let's just say it was a long shot, but he pressed, and I was defenseless. Now, we're as 'hoopy' as can be."

"We'll always have couples therapy."

(When I'm good I'm very very good, but when I'm bad I'm... Well….) (Horrid?)

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

'...when did you first get these feelings of wanting to be a psychiatrist?'

Try Mediation

'Great Therapy!'

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

My Brother Al once went through a period of depression, your honor. He would just sit around in his robe all day. Then his psychiatrist got him out of his funk. Would you like to have his doctor's phone number? ? ?

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"I scream! You scream! I can't stop the screaming!"

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

"If you get to the pitchfork-shaped cloud, you've gone too far."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

You were warned about mixed marriages.