Grumpy News Watcher Gifts

So much to be cross about, so little time.

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

Fear of news.

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

The North Portico of the White House runs away crying.

'Mark my words! Our enemies will test this young guy with a huge international crisis as soon as he's electe! But don't worry, he'll be fine!', 'Come here, Joe -- let me give you a nice fist bump!'

Classic News.

"I find wearing a mask helps."

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

Mood swings: Swing 1 - 'Looks like it's going to be another wonderful day!' Swing 2 - 'Who CARES link brain! I hope it rains acid!!' Swing 3 - 'I think i'm going to CRRRY!'

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."

It's 10 pm. Do you know why Iraq, aided by Iran, are fighting against Kurds - a major U.S. ally against Isis - in Northern Iraq?"

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

"Good news on Wall Street today"

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'

'The economy today got a boost from Alan Greenspan, who said it's O.K. to be irrationally exuberant.'

'Do you want to watch the, 'everything's terrible' cable news or the 'everything's wonderful' cable news?'

'Our ratings are down. Let's blame it on the media.'

"C'mon, Hillary – just answer the question!"

Old Man Journal

'Remember your blood pressure, dear!...the Dr, warned about anything that would anger you, like this divided congress and their inability to compromise on things beneficial to the nation.'

"Stinking politicians and their dirty laundry!" "That's Bob. He's watching 'CSPIN', again."

"This just in: Everything is worse."

"It's chirp, chirp, chirp time again, isn't it?"

'The market goes up, the market goes down. And that's our business report.'

Unable to get going each day without her dose of Katie Couric, Lois shifted her schedule to be in sync with the star's new evening news job.

The market went up and down, up and down, up and down...