Grumpy Humorist Gifts

"Personally, I think it should read 'next misery guts'."

'It's a bloody-cross-breed.'

Meeting at the Grumpy Old Men's Pub.

Miserable hour - Come in and moan about the price...

"If you're going out, pick up some candles."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

"There has been a sharp increase in his cantankerousness."

'You're so nice and friendly that I've got nothing to moan about. That's a bit of cheek!'

"I do wish Henry could run into someone from the dress business to talk to."

Grumpy old merry men.

Old Man Journal

"Don't worry, he's improving. We'll have him up and cursing the government again."

'I swear I didn't know you'd heard that joke before...'

'Life is like a box of chocolate laxatives!' - Forest Grump

Grumpy Old Men

'I know how you feel.'

At the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Convention.

'Kids get right up my nose!'

"Sometimes, on days like this, I feel like the world is conspiring to make me happy."

"He might be moody, but he's the best in the city...and worth every penny!"

"To be perfectly honest, Tarquin, I get fed up listening to your stories about 'the good old days'."

"Actually, lactose is the only thing Herb isn't intolerant of."

'Self-help books for cynics'

"People keep telling me that it takes more facial muscles to frown than it does to smile... I tell them that I am working out."

"He's learning how to mutter in Spanish

"Well, we’ve covered the weather, my prostate, your incontinence … I suppose our idiot children are up next?"

Uncle Murray Weekly

"Is everything okay, dear? You're smiling!"

"Oh, my arthurs a breeder too, contempt mainly!"

"We managed to resuscitate him, but he's still very critical."

'Maybe the world isn't getting less friendly, maybe you're just getting grumpier.'

'Maybe the world isn't getting less friendly, maybe you're getting grumpier.'

Wife about mad man leaving church: 'You'll have to excuse my husband. He always wakes up grumpy.'

How was your oatmeal, Sadie? Is everything good? Can I get you anything else? Wait a second, what's that flapping? Somebody, run to the window and tell me if you see a pack of hogs flying by! Has the sky fallen? Has hell frozen over? Has the sun risen in the west? Have chickens grown teeth? Has a donkey climbed a tree? This is the first time in 16 years that you've bothered to ask me how my meal's going, is what I'm saying, you worthless baboon! I wonder why.