Grocery Store Veteran Gifts

'You're paying by check? That will be $8 dollars for the groceries and $15 dollars for the credit report.'

Bad for you but to die for

Twenty-first century baby walker

"Wild-caught, farm-raised, lab-grown, beach-found, or aquarium-harvested."

Organic Produce: No Pesticides, Herbicides or Bad Vibes.

"Milk, butter, bread - all past the expiration date. either he just hadn't noticed before, or his time machine worked."

Important Food Groups

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

"Oh my god -- I can't believe it's real butter!"

''I'm totally committed to simplifying my life. No more shitake jalapeno pesto.'

'Do we have any alligator pears?'

'I decided to start buying food in bulk. I hope you're hungry!'

"Your next pilgrimage must be to a bodega for milk."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'...Contains Phixe-knide, TBHQ, hydro-cla, Cyklid, Yetfopnmide - and other unpronounceable stuff.' (grocery store)

Artificial Isle

After her laser surgery, Alice was able to read barcodes without an optical scanner.

"Your chocolate biscuits and cakes are getting smaller - and where's your sweets aisle?"

"No one can afford to eat us anymore."

Apples...37 Spinach...43 Peaches...51

"I think the milk's off!"

A shop is called 'Garnishes: Top Meals in Tough Times'.

"Sir, surely it's irresponsible to be throwing away so much edible food?"

'Celeb Foods: Damien Hurst's voles in brine.'

'These fruits and vegetables are very colorful, large, free of blemishes, pulpy and tasteless.'

'I lost the grocery list you gave me. So I brought home a few weeks supply of pizza.'

'Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.'

"Into every shopping cart a little mysterious Mediterranean product must fall."

How M2M really works.

Formally foods that were good for you.

"Junior just kept saying 'add to cart...add to cart...'."

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

"Do you have these apples in green?"

"Mummy! Can't we go to Tescos like everyone else?"

"By the time I've read all the nutrition and ingredients information I've lost my appetite!"