Grocery Store Strategist Gifts

"Do you still give a discount on dented cans?"

"Junior just kept saying 'add to cart...add to cart...'."

Bad for you but to die for

"Wild-caught, farm-raised, lab-grown, beach-found, or aquarium-harvested."

Omar Khayyam Meets Trader Joe

"Oh my god -- I can't believe it's real butter!"

"Store policy is that I need a note from your wife."

Only One Item or Fewer.

"No, we can't get you a new toy every time we go shopping."

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Holiday Sales: The Starting Line

"Yes, but I'll know it's a recliner."

'I decided to start buying food in bulk. I hope you're hungry!'

It was a good chance to get together and talk shop.

Shampoo and Salad Dressing.

Moses parting the waves and trolleys appear on the sea bed!

"I'll throw in a few extra pinstripes."

Diets: Sweets and Biscuits.

"Consumer confidence remains high as long as we keep them distracted buying stuff."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'I've got it written down...'

'Retirement Training Program'"Very good, Larry! Just one more step and you'll have the entire aisle blocked!"

"How will you be paying? Crypto, Venmo, electronic fund transfer, credit card, check, cash, precious metals, brightly colored shells or livestock?"

"Eeny, meeny, miney, mo.."

Artificial Isle

'...Contains Phixe-knide, TBHQ, hydro-cla, Cyklid, Yetfopnmide - and other unpronounceable stuff.' (grocery store)

"I have no idea where we parked the car, or why we exist."

'And this one is just today's grocery list from my wife.'

"Your chocolate biscuits and cakes are getting smaller - and where's your sweets aisle?"

"Why is this cart so heavy?"

'Celeb Foods: Damien Hurst's voles in brine.'

"I think the milk's off!"

"Class, welcome back Sean ... who, you may recall, was lost for eight days in Home Depot."

'But what do you sell?'

'Advanced warning: High cholesterol 10mtrs ahead.'