Grocery Detective T-Shirts

"This brand of sugar looks good. The first ingredient is whole wheat flour."

Notice: Results of New Studies - Most of what was good for you is bad for you - most of what was bad for you is good for you.

"Okay, lets see what we have here."

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

Try to guess the continent dining...

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

Honest Vending

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

"He was WOK-ing in a winter wonderland."

"Well, son. . . here your dad makes the famous 'fresh from nature' food!"

"Number 2. Step forward please."

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

"I hate it when they put kittens in the impulse buying section."

Mother to son, regarding stolen cake: 'I don't need to check anything with 'the boys in forensics' I know it was you.'

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

Alphabet soup

"What the heck did I do with that leftover turkey?!"

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

GM Crops Genie.

Low Hanging Fruit

Turkey Autopsy

'...Contains Phixe-knide, TBHQ, hydro-cla, Cyklid, Yetfopnmide - and other unpronounceable stuff.' (grocery store)

"Why is this cart so heavy?"

"Your chocolate biscuits and cakes are getting smaller - and where's your sweets aisle?"

"We know you boosted that milk truck!" "Admit it or we'll take a bite outta you!"

'Look! It's Trendy Vineyards' Merlot Window Cleaner! Streak-free cleaning, because it's 50 proof!'

Horse meat scandal.

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

'Use by June 2007. Gah' - 'Use by July 2007. Double gah.' - 'Best of a bad bunch...'

"All these vitamins and nutrients, plus it makes it own sauce! We should be eating this!"

"Are there any reports of illness at this table?"