Gray-haired Philosopher Gifts

"Inside every old person is a young person trying to figure out what's happening to them."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pigeon Little

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

Reverse psychology

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

Saguaro Cactus Regrets.

"If I were a surgeon, Mr. Ferguson, which I ain't, and your car was my patient, which it ain't—except that it is, in a funny sort of way; that is, if you want to look at it like that; you know what I mean—and you was her husband, I'd have to say, 'Sir, your wife is going to need a valve job.,"

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

'Instead of throwing sticks, why don't we sit down and tackle some sudoku?'

'When Einstein wrote about time and relativity he must have been watching a football game where the last 30 seconds took two hours.'

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

"Lost most of my sight, hearing, teeth and hair. Thank God I still god my driver license."

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

Mall of ages

"With me everything is 'scratch and sniff'."

Balding Autumn Tree.

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"Is it always so cloudy?"

"It Works For Us."

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

"Hey, universe! I'm significant and I'm in charge!"

'I wish I could look just like Elvis.'

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

"My mum always said life is like a tin of cat food. You never know what you're gonna get..."

I lactate, therefore I am.

'Well, you know what the say...near death is the new 80.'

The end is near.