Grapevine T-Shirts

Nice try, but you can't blame your empty highball glass on global warming.

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

Wine Lady

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Umm ... not sure what notes you'll detect on your palate, but it'll get you ripped."

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

Tarzan of the Grapes.

'No, you're not calling at a bad time. I'm a professional wine taster - it's alwasys a good time.'

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

Man with wine glass face looks unhappy.

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

Wine Tasting and Wine Guzzling

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Pick me! 2002 was a very good year! No! Me! I'm excellent with beef and fish. Desperate House Wines.

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

An Excellent Nose for Wine.

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

Wine tasting

The Grapes of Wrath finally get some professional help.

Red Wine

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

"I spent all day looking for this Malbec, not that anybody cares."

I never heard of chunky style wine. I couldn't find any seedless grapes.

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."

"Soy milk and rice milk are okay but I prefer grape milk.".

"I've joined a wine-lovers club. . . so far there are only three members."

'Why is the jacuzzi full of grapes?'