Grapevine Pillows

Nice try, but you can't blame your empty highball glass on global warming.

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

Wine Lady

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

'No, you're not calling at a bad time. I'm a professional wine taster - it's alwasys a good time.'

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

Man with wine glass face looks unhappy.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Wine Tasting and Wine Guzzling

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

The Grapes of Wrath finally get some professional help.

Wine tasting

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

Red Wine

"I spent all day looking for this Malbec, not that anybody cares."

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

"Soy milk and rice milk are okay but I prefer grape milk.".

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."

"I've joined a wine-lovers club. . . so far there are only three members."