Grapevine Guru Pillows

"Blood sweat and tears. I think it's supposed to make us feel guilty."

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

Tarzan of the Grapes.

'Oh Hi!'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

Where 'Pastor'-ized Milk Comes From...

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Agricultural Psychology

Guru.

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

Wine Tasting and Wine Guzzling

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

Pick me! 2002 was a very good year! No! Me! I'm excellent with beef and fish. Desperate House Wines.

'Eat the grass in perfect circles. It drives them crazy.'

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

'...And you're always complaining about the government's international trade agreements'

Red Wine

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'