Grape Philosopher T-Shirts

'We never sell a wine before it's time. We're still waiting for our first big sale.'

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"We really need more perennials? Aren't my weeds and crabgrass enough?"

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

Water Gardening: One thing is certain - you will find the peace and tranquility of water an almost irresistible attraction.

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

"Is Pinot Noir where you want to be?"

Wine Tasting and Wine Guzzling

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Pick me! 2002 was a very good year! No! Me! I'm excellent with beef and fish. Desperate House Wines.

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

'Young lady, I'm afraid existential despair is no excuse for not eating your lima beans.'

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

'We outsource our grape juice, marketing, bottling and distribution, and yet he's supposed to give a speech tonight on winemaking - bosses,outsources,outbetter show him what a grape looks like.'

'She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me...'

Red Wine

"Your idea is strong. Really strong. But I've gotta ask myself, is it too much espresso for a decaf world?"

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."

"I've tried that one; it's a blend of 74 different red grapes - including two of the plastic decorative type."

The Last Days of a Hydrangea

"I've joined a wine-lovers club. . . so far there are only three members."

Nothing like that first cup of coffee, eh, Frank?

Man watering with the 'Theory of Natural selection'.

"Junior's moved back home! It took him less than a week to work out that the grass is not always greener on the other side..."

'You know, this is the 2nd bottle of this I've opened, and I still have no idea what it tastes like.'

Saguaro Cacti.

"Can you recommend a suitable white wine to drink with my red wine?"