Government Joke Collector Pillows

'Local council approved mugger. Beware of frauds.'

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

The Rooster Comedian.

'I used to commute. Now I transform.'

Password Error: Snow White and the seven dwarfs not recognised as eight characters.

'Amscray,fuzzbrain - no carnivores allowed

Suffering from Cooties?

"Well, that certainly killed my buzz."

Friday

Job Vacancy: Human cannonball. Applicants must of the right calibre

'Yeah, I agree: It's hard to impress females by looking virile and strong when you're all pink...'

Useless add-ons.

Irritable trowel syndrome.

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

"They're not Levi Strauss - they're not Levi Tate."

"If you'd like to take a seat."

The new contract didn't leave him much room to maneuver his hoverdesk.

"I know my drinking limits.The problem is that I can never reach them - I simply fall down."

'I believe in a 'carrot and stick' approach to motivation. The carrot is not to use the stick.'

"You have to declare what you rob from the rich, but you can deduct what you give to the poor."

"...and she said 'MOO!'"

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

'Looks like somebody needs to lay off of the authentic angel food cake!'

'The reorganisation is moving along. Here comes the new honcho now.'

My daddy ate my homework

Shark infested custard!

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

Cheating Death.

Told you...Nonsense compulsive disorder.

'Alphabet soup? What's alphabet?'

Mexican Jumping Balls.