Gourmet Wit Gifts

"Good news - You can get wine in pints now! Bad news - It's British wine."

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

Snowprov

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

Cookbooks

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

'Needs salt!'

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

Too much cilantro

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

To do before Saturday...

"Sure, while you went out robbing folks I stayed here and made a nice quiche, and just to prove I'm not a sissy I made it with mountain lion instead of ham."

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

The Main Types of Cheese

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

'Is this still America?'

Holiday Supplies

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'