Gourmet Wit Pillows

"Good news - You can get wine in pints now! Bad news - It's British wine."

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

Snowprov

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

Cookbooks

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

'Needs salt!'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

The Main Types of Cheese

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

To do before Saturday...

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Sure, while you went out robbing folks I stayed here and made a nice quiche, and just to prove I'm not a sissy I made it with mountain lion instead of ham."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

Too much cilantro

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

Holiday Supplies

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'Is this still America?'

Wendy likes horses...and she is a keen cook.

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet