Culinary Wit Pillows

"You call this guacamole?"

Man at Delicatessen counter, "Scuse me, do you serve food?"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'Your French dip, sir.'

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

"States of tofu"

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

6 Brothers Falafel

Chez Nous Menu

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

Peter's Pitas - now with pickled peppers.

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

Wife: 'Ah, honey.....why are you covered in raw fish and rice?' Husband: 'Oh I was running late for the 6:15 and got on a darn sush train by mistake!'

"Would you like some wings?"

Wok. Don't Wok.

"Tia Carmen, is it okay if my study group meets here tomorrow?"

"Ninja bread men"

"‘Extra vile old ox’? No, sir – it stands for ‘extra virgin olive oil.’"

Cookbooks