Culinary Wit Pillows

"You call this guacamole?"

Man at Delicatessen counter, "Scuse me, do you serve food?"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'Your French dip, sir.'

"States of tofu"

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

"That's it. We’re toast."

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

Soup of the month.

6 Brothers Falafel

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

Chez Nous Menu

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

Peter's Pitas - now with pickled peppers.

Cookbooks

"Would you like some wings?"

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"‘Extra vile old ox’? No, sir – it stands for ‘extra virgin olive oil.’"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

Wok. Don't Wok.

"Tia Carmen, is it okay if my study group meets here tomorrow?"

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Ninja bread men"