Gothic Guardian Gifts

Firemen catching a gargoyle falling from a burning building

Bleak House

"Hold it right there, ma'am! If you get too close to the artwork, I'll have to ask you to leave the gallery."

The Zoo.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"He likes it."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

Edgar Allen Poe

"Mom, please shake my chair. I'm taking a virtual school bus ride before class begins."

"Tommy!"

The aliens froze, gripped by a primal fear. This time there would be no abduction.

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

"Well, young man... just consider yourself grounded!"

Deaths from Coronavirus

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

"My mom programmed my toothbrush to follow me until I use it. It's cruel but effective."

A baby playing on a grand piano

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

"Look, it's my word balloon."

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

'You must be Jimmy's father . . .'

The Bearskin Hat Family

"An educational toy is my immediate goal, but my long range plan is to get him on Jeapordy!"

'You see, we don't have any children, so he's kind of our baby.'

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

"Sure I used drugs when I was your age, but they were all prescribed for acne."

"Boy, the kids are growing up so fast!"

"I passed the three R's. Now I need some R and R!"

"Next time make up your mind and just pick one!"