Gothic Guardian Gifts

Firemen catching a gargoyle falling from a burning building

Bleak House

The Zoo.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

Edgar Allen Poe

"He likes it."

"Mom, please shake my chair. I'm taking a virtual school bus ride before class begins."

The aliens froze, gripped by a primal fear. This time there would be no abduction.

"Tommy!"

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

Deaths from Coronavirus

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

"Well, young man... just consider yourself grounded!"

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

"My mom programmed my toothbrush to follow me until I use it. It's cruel but effective."

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

"Look, it's my word balloon."

A baby playing on a grand piano

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

'You see, we don't have any children, so he's kind of our baby.'

"An educational toy is my immediate goal, but my long range plan is to get him on Jeapordy!"

'You must be Jimmy's father . . .'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

The Bearskin Hat Family

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

"I passed the three R's. Now I need some R and R!"

"Why do small children ask so many questions?" "Why not? We need to learn, don’t we? Anyway it’s no big deal is it? Isn’t that what parents are for? You were probably the same, weren’t you? So why complain?"

"Stop complaining. At least I have parents!"

'We'll have him back on his feet and under yours in no time!'

"Boy, the kids are growing up so fast!"

"Sure I used drugs when I was your age, but they were all prescribed for acne."