Guardian Gifts

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

'The trick is to make it look as easy as possible while, underneath, you're paddling like hell.'

"It's the whole kindergarten thing, Mom. I'm alone in there, swimming with the sharks."

'...but if daddy raised your allowance he'd be hurting the economy by stimulating inflation. You wouldn't want him to do that, would you?'

"All I ask is a chance to ruin my life in my own way."

'Someday son, all this will be yours to argue with the Environmental Protection Agency over.'

'Do any of your parents know what you're up to here?' 'Mam! Dad!' 'What?'

"Y'know, sooner or later we're going to have to let her go out unaccompanied."

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Choices, choices.

'Just wait till it's my turn to make long-term care decisions for you!'

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

"What do you recommend for someone recovering from a tantrum?"

"Oh, and when you get a chance, would you start taking responsibility for your own life?"

'I say it's spinach and the heck with it!'

"Harris here is looking after children's accounts."

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

"It may not be a good report card but I'm working with the genes you dealt me."

MOTHER: All generations of family pester her: Did you iron my shirt? Can I get my ears pierced? etc

"You spoil that child!"

'I'm your mother -- I'm supposed to impose my moral values on you!'

'School been cancelled again...I'm bringing the kids to work with me.'

"I think we should give day camp a chance, Adrian. Let's not become prisoners of our own dogma."

"My name is Van Gelsing, Madame. I'm an expert in cleaning teenagers' rooms. If you need me, just give me a call, okay?"

"I think oral sex is when they just talk about it."

'Can I be a boy today'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

'We had a full and frank exchange of views, and then I bopped him.'

"How much longer will we have to help Besty with her homework?"

REPORT CARD, 'Maybe it got garbled in transmission.'

Thank you for not smacking

"I only talk down to your child because he's shorter than me."

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

"I see you've painted yourself into a corner."

'We couldn't afford health care any longer so you better start eating better!'