Goodbye Guru Gifts

Buh-Bye!

"Should we even go to this farewell party if we'll never see them again?"

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

OM, SWEET OM

Mood swings: Swing 1 - 'Looks like it's going to be another wonderful day!' Swing 2 - 'Who CARES link brain! I hope it rains acid!!' Swing 3 - 'I think i'm going to CRRRY!'

'Now, until you've attained perfect wisdom, you'll have to learn to evade questions.'

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

Bearded old man atop mountain.

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."

'Turkey again! It's the sixth of January... Just how big was that flaming bird?!'

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

'See what happens when meditation isn't supervised?'

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)

"I thought I'd be lonely at the top."

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

'Sometimes I think about getting away from all this and get a job as a cab driver in New York city...'

'To become ONE with the Universe, you must first become COMPLIANT with the Universe!'

'I'm still working on the mystery of how to make a decent living with a tip jar.'

Cable Bill.

"But Mom said to ask YOU!"