Goodbye Gurus Gifts

'Enter, His Royal Globalness...'

Mood swings: Swing 1 - 'Looks like it's going to be another wonderful day!' Swing 2 - 'Who CARES link brain! I hope it rains acid!!' Swing 3 - 'I think i'm going to CRRRY!'

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

"Great! I've finally mastered all my competencies and my teachers still have most of their hair."

'Turkey again! It's the sixth of January... Just how big was that flaming bird?!'

'I try to avoid the trap of letting my idleness define me.'

"The Great Source keeps afloat, along with a little help from the sharks there."

"What do you mean, 'There can be no ethics without fear of God'?! Look at me - all ethical and shit!"

'I'm good. How are you?'

"Daddy needs to relax. He spent another long day at work extolling the virtues of his stand up desk."

Third eye

'My client stands before you, a jury of his peers ...'

The final stage of grief is acceptance. And the inevitable long and rambling acceptance speech.

'Would you believe, humble pie?'

'To be honest, you're the only one who sometimes bothers to hear my complaints.'

December 24th and the December 26th.

"We've been here forty years - When do we get our golden parachutes?"

"Being in the now today sure ain't like the good ol' now!"

'FQ...?'

There's no way you could have attained Nirvana already — you don't even have hemorrhoids yet.

'That's right. I took all your money and didn't teach you a darn thing -- enlightening, isn't it?'

"Whoa, whoa, big guy with all your ‘meaning of life’ mumbo jumbo—I just want my kid to pick up her room."

Dial-A-Prayer and Dial-A-Mantra

"You'd think a Humanities professor would be more lenient in her grading."

'Oh, wise guru tell me the secret of success, Oops tell me how to fly!'

'Let's talk dollars and cents. How many 'loved ones' did you lose in the stock market?'

Cards for everyone: Birthday, anniversary and 'I told you so'.

"That's all you got? 'Don't waste money on premium gas?'"

'Oh, I'm not a guru -- I'm just up here on the advice of my tax accountant.'

Pissed-off hour.

Moan Pig.

'Mr. Swanson, out session ended fifteen minutes ago, will you please leave?. . .'

'He's beginning to notice girls.'