Godly Cynic Pillows

"We’re having privacy concerns with your omniscience."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

The Forever Stamp

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'I hate my life.

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

Will Self deprecation

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Obama builds own gallows.

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

'You'll have to excuse my husband - he's got compassion fatigue.'

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'That's it?'

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).

'It's a deal -- I'll introduce a bill to bail out your country club, and you'll introduce a bill to bail out my country club!'