Eternal Cynic Pillows

'I hate my life.

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Famous Oxymorons...

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"We’re having privacy concerns with your omniscience."

Will Self deprecation

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

'You'll have to excuse my husband - he's got compassion fatigue.'

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'That's it?'

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).

'It's a deal -- I'll introduce a bill to bail out your country club, and you'll introduce a bill to bail out my country club!'

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"I think once Qadyn is exposed to other 7-year-old nihilists, he’ll really start to blossom."