Godly Cynic Gifts

"We’re having privacy concerns with your omniscience."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

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"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

The Forever Stamp

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'I hate my life.

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Will Self deprecation

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

Obama builds own gallows.

'You'll have to excuse my husband - he's got compassion fatigue.'

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'That's it?'

'Huh! Nobody home!'

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).

'It's a deal -- I'll introduce a bill to bail out your country club, and you'll introduce a bill to bail out my country club!'