Glued To The News Gifts

"Anything good on?"

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

Fifty shades of Leveson.

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"We live in interesting times. Present company exempted, of course."

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

"I find wearing a mask helps."

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

News on TV: 'At last, some good news from Iraq...Saddam's chamber of torture is being converted into a chamber of commerce.'

'If social security were privatized, the administration also suggested a name change to 'Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld holdings inc.''

'This is just a test. I repeat, this is just a test. But then - maybe not!'

Man has a seatbelt and 'calm down tablets' to watch the world news.

It's 10 pm. Do you know why Iraq, aided by Iran, are fighting against Kurds - a major U.S. ally against Isis - in Northern Iraq?"

"I could afford a degree in broadcast journalism, but not the makeup."

"Good news on Wall Street today"

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."

The Evening News

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'

'The economy today got a boost from Alan Greenspan, who said it's O.K. to be irrationally exuberant.'

"Hot off the wire! In the latest poll, 99% of voters say they will be glad when the election is over... The poll has an error rate of plus or minus 2%."

'Do you want to watch the, 'everything's terrible' cable news or the 'everything's wonderful' cable news?'

"Now over to our healthcare correspondent."

'The market goes up, the market goes down. And that's our business report.'

'Remember your blood pressure, dear!...the Dr, warned about anything that would anger you, like this divided congress and their inability to compromise on things beneficial to the nation.'

"Stinking politicians and their dirty laundry!" "That's Bob. He's watching 'CSPIN', again."