News Listening Gifts

A radio presenter.

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

Audio Books

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

I can hear a podcast of yesterday's sea.

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

Netanyahu versus Gantz

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

"I find wearing a mask helps."

"Bad news on Wall Street today, as the bottom fell out of the market, the sides collapsed, and the top blew away."

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

News on TV: 'At last, some good news from Iraq...Saddam's chamber of torture is being converted into a chamber of commerce.'

'If social security were privatized, the administration also suggested a name change to 'Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld holdings inc.''

Man has a seatbelt and 'calm down tablets' to watch the world news.

Easy & Hard Listening Rock Radio.

It's 10 pm. Do you know why Iraq, aided by Iran, are fighting against Kurds - a major U.S. ally against Isis - in Northern Iraq?"

'This is just a test. I repeat, this is just a test. But then - maybe not!'

"Good news on Wall Street today"

'Howard can't come to the phone now. He's standing by for a major concert announcement.'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

"I have to admit Dick Cheney makes a strong argument for torture. But I still think torturing him would be wrong."

"I've been invited to two different thanksgivings...One with family, one with friends, which one do I go to?"

It's 10 P.M. does anyone know what 'sequestration' means?

The Evening News

Not-so-easy listening...

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'

'There you go again - trying to solve my problems. I am not asking you to do that. I just want you to listen to me.'