Gladiatorial Giggler Gifts

'Relax...I heard our opponents today are huge pussies.'

"Just one more question before I let you in...I can let you in...are you a cat or dog person?"

Clown God

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

'Dad, do you you think there's s**t on other planets?'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Horsekeeping - No. IX

Get on with it!

'You can come out, Marmaduke. I was just kidding about putting lipstick on you.'

Fancy a pint?

'It was this big. I swear'

'I'll come in as soon as I've seen the orbits of Venus.'

Solar Gain: "Be honest: does the new planet make me look fat?"

'He's wearing a toupee.'

'I can't hire you, but I can sell you some stock in the company.'

Smokers smoking on the moon, Astronauts smoking on the moon

'Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, feel sorry for the people who have to work with you.'

'I'm sorry for laughing Emperor Dorkbutt, it's just that in our language, well...'

"Can you write 'To Mandy - you're the best'?"

'Millions of billions of trillions of light years away? I could visualise it if you said it in MILES!'

"Two things are infinite: The universe and human stupididy' and I'm not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein. Our colleague and I were going to debate, with me arguing the universe is finite and he's arguing that it's infinite. But he pulled out saying the debate organizers are biased against his position. He didn't believe they were simply advising folks to arrive early when they said "space is limited."

We interrupt today's "The Price is Right" episode to bring you breaking news … Weeks ago, the Hubble telescope spotted a rogue planet the size of Venus plummeting through the solar system on a collision course with earth. It turns out it was actually just a prank involving two very bored ISS astronauts and a grapefruit. Breaking News!!!!! Maybe we should send them to Mars after all. One of them seems to have scrawled "Around and around and around and around" all over his space suit, in crayon.

Aliens would have destroyed us years ago if it weren't for our entertainment value.

"Venice! What will climate change think of next?"

'You Have a food allergy. Even worse it's to 'O' type!'

"I can't create your bride until you make your co-pay."

Black Hole Corks

"Oh, oh - looks like a blue shift."

'Whoops!'

Astronaut with his Space Dog.

"After analyzing the energy waves emitted by this pulsar near Andromeda, I believe we have an answer to the age old question: 'Where do jokes come from?'"

Drac, I gotta have a better office if I'm gonna market your Tomato Juice.

"Joe, you've got to stop singing 'Rocket Man.' Okay, how about 'Ground control to Major Tom'?"

When suddenly the clouds parted and down came Jeez, a god appalled by how his name is used in vain.

The Big A** Theory

Search for Extraterrestrial Life. Ernie is working on a theory that alien life forms avoid the Milky Way galaxy because they're lactose intolerant.