Gifted Wordsmith Gifts

"God lives in the eternal present. The gift that keeps on giving."

Reading my Critics

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Rejected Titles For The Canadian National Anthem.

Cat Towels

Deep in the heart of the RAND think tank, the world's greatest scientists would gather to brainstorm Batman's fight sounds.

"Oh, sorry - Open Sesame, PLEASE."

"Let's see. Seuss... Seuss... Here we go. That's a medium box of bagels and lox and a pop on the rocks by seven o' clock."

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

Spiritualism: Meet the Authors.

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

Nevermore. You don't have to use "air quoths" every time.

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

Best Seller

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

I don't want a story that helps kids make sense of the world – I want a world that lets kids just enjoy a nonsense story.

"He belongs to a lawyer."

"Swing me with your words."

"Remorse sits in my stomach like a piece of stale bread. How does that sound?"

Mother Goose's Haiku

I often thought that I should have been a weaver of words,someone who danced and sang his way into peoples souls and through my imagination led others into a world of dreams and intoxicating revelry...But auditing offered a much better pension.

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

Dear Author: We really are tickled by your persistence. Sincerely, The Editors.

"I love you a bushel and a peck. How else?"

Writing the poem was easy: there are lots of words rhyming with "snow"...

Books vs mobile phones

'He never listened to his mother!'

A Poet

"What's 'ET' short for. . . ?"

A bar selling 'crafty' beer is more popular than a bar selling 'craft' beer.

You trip on it, you buy it.

Sharp Eyes

"I got into the coffee for the wordplay."