Germ-conscious Joker Pillows

"Whoever pulls it out becomes King of Britain, but Phil licked the handle, so..."

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

Wind turbine and leaf blower.

The Return of the Germ

Cloning Laboratory: 'I never thought I'd work here.'

"Eat more pizza and doughnuts and stop exercising. Just kidding, you should see your face!"

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

"Yep, it says "pesticide"! Not only are they trying to kill us, they also insult us by calling us pests!"

"You can eat all the cake you want and still get into heaven."

Jim's Smart Kettle

"I brought chips and cookies to snack on and baby carrots to sit unopened on the blanket."

The nuclear power plant didn't doom the Snail Darter as feared.

Football crazy

"I don't need roughage that badly!"

"Look! Now they offer healthy choices we can glance at before ordering our usual junk."

Warning: Eating this food could result in a decrease of health benefits

"Processed food was his undoing. He was eating a salad sandwich in the warehouse, when a pallet of pork pies fell on him!"

"Wine and women are off but can sing as much as you like!"

"I think it's a Spider Plant bite."

'They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no no no.'

birthday meets reality

'I jogged 120 miles last month and drank 3 gallons of wine. At 40 mpg, I'm doing more than my share for the energy crisis.'

"I call it the 'Fasting diet'. Also known as the 'Where's all the food gone?!!' diet."

'A hunger strike seems quite excessive, guys. Could we go on a 'watching our figure' strike instead?'

"This was supposed to be 'Gluten-Free Comedy Night.' Which means no wheat jokes."

"I'll be submitting a request for an artichoke heart."

'I'm helping to 'Save the Planet'... doing 'my-bit' for energy conservation!'

"I stopped eating fast food, too."

"To be environmentally responsible I'm recycling my sister's old book reports."

"Egads! It's a terrorist cell!"

"How could you call it 'dog flu'? I've never even had a sniff-le!"