Germ-conscious Joker Gifts

"Whoever pulls it out becomes King of Britain, but Phil licked the handle, so..."

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

Wind turbine and leaf blower.

The Return of the Germ

Cloning Laboratory: 'I never thought I'd work here.'

"Eat more pizza and doughnuts and stop exercising. Just kidding, you should see your face!"

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

"Yep, it says "pesticide"! Not only are they trying to kill us, they also insult us by calling us pests!"

"An apple? Doesn't he have any pizza?"

"It's a wheeble or some such thing, but still no sign of a deoderant."

Jim's Smart Kettle

"You can eat all the cake you want and still get into heaven."

"I brought chips and cookies to snack on and baby carrots to sit unopened on the blanket."

The nuclear power plant didn't doom the Snail Darter as feared.

Football crazy

"I don't need roughage that badly!"

"Look! Now they offer healthy choices we can glance at before ordering our usual junk."

"Wine and women are off but can sing as much as you like!"

Boss, there's no toxic waste anywhere near the café, is there? What is this, the eighties? What's next, you're going to ask me if any whales or baby seals are harmed in the production of our coffee? Are you going to ask me to sing "We are the World" with Stevie Wonder? Are you going to ask me to film a "very special episode" about the dangers of dope? People didn't just care about this stuff in the 1980s, boss. Want me to get some Krazy Glue and fix the "hole in the ozone layer"?

Warning: Eating this food could result in a decrease of health benefits

"Processed food was his undoing. He was eating a salad sandwich in the warehouse, when a pallet of pork pies fell on him!"

"I think it's a Spider Plant bite."

'They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no no no.'

birthday meets reality

"I stopped eating fast food, too."

'A hunger strike seems quite excessive, guys. Could we go on a 'watching our figure' strike instead?'

"I call it the 'Fasting diet'. Also known as the 'Where's all the food gone?!!' diet."

"I'll be submitting a request for an artichoke heart."

"This was supposed to be 'Gluten-Free Comedy Night.' Which means no wheat jokes."

'I jogged 120 miles last month and drank 3 gallons of wine. At 40 mpg, I'm doing more than my share for the energy crisis.'

'I'm helping to 'Save the Planet'... doing 'my-bit' for energy conservation!'

"To be environmentally responsible I'm recycling my sister's old book reports."

"Egads! It's a terrorist cell!"