Health-conscious Joker Gifts

Football crazy

'They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no no no.'

"I don't need roughage that badly!"

"I brought chips and cookies to snack on and baby carrots to sit unopened on the blanket."

"Look! Now they offer healthy choices we can glance at before ordering our usual junk."

birthday meets reality

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

Purim killjoys

'Sure it's a nuisance to run home for every meal, but it's either that or Chinese-restaurant syndrome.'

"Processed food was his undoing. He was eating a salad sandwich in the warehouse, when a pallet of pork pies fell on him!"

"You did the order - I said broccoli, not gateau!!"

"Wine and women are off but can sing as much as you like!"

"Are you gluten free?"

"I call it the 'Fasting diet'. Also known as the 'Where's all the food gone?!!' diet."

"Make it say '97.2ºF, no coronavirus symptoms, no exposure'."

"This was supposed to be 'Gluten-Free Comedy Night.' Which means no wheat jokes."

"An apple? Doesn't he have any pizza?"

Jim's Smart Kettle

Warning: Eating this food could result in a decrease of health benefits

'I don't like the look of that mole, but come to think of it, I don't like the look of any mole.'

'We cut it into teensy-weensy squares.'

'A hunger strike seems quite excessive, guys. Could we go on a 'watching our figure' strike instead?'

But I told you on the phone - the diet pizza is the 'hole pie.'

Diet Tip No. 156: Always wear protective clothing when handling dangerous foodstuffs

'It's okay - they're VITAMIN-ENRICHED chocolates!'

'He was finally crushed by the weight of his own beer belly.'

'That's your weight training program? Eating half pounders because they're heavier to lift than quarter pounders?'

Health Shop: 'Got anything more exciting?' 'Sure, under the counter we've got beefburgers and chips...and cream cakes!'

What about your 5-a-day?

"I didn't have any eggs in my Easter basket. I'm on a low cholesterol diet."

'You're going to love this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

"That'll be $7.88, 3000 calories and 500 grams of fat. Drive through please."

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'