Garden Gumshoe T-Shirts

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

The Busy Gardener

I was holding out okay, until he made it into crumb cake.

Something Wilted This Way Comes.

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

'A rose by any other name means I flunked the botany test.'

"This is bishop’s weed — always pee on it. Tell your friends."

"Garden variety allergies."

Hardy Annuals

"Hello Mr Flower. You've got a pretty face. But your feet are filthy."

Look at the size of that fork. She must be very hungry!

Couple using thier new garden hose in the rain

This is NOT 'nipping out'.

Yard Sale

Beginning Yarder.

Mystery of the Poets

"Enough with the treehugging already!"

"What are you in for?"

'...and this is the water garden...'

Garden of Eden and scrumping

Show and Tell.

We practically live out here in the summer.

'Where are you going?'

Garden Talk - "I've decided to do some muck spreading."

I'm going for former flower children. Tree's Tree Nursery. Legal pot. Legal grass. Festuca. Carex. Miscanthus.

Balding gnomes

'I wish to refer you to a tree surgeon. You have all the symptoms of Dutch Elm disease!'

'That chap really knows his onions!'

Drunk Woman Sees Pink Elephants in her Garden.

"I now recognize the basement was a bad idea."

Technical Terms Explained: Suckers.

"I used to have A Green thumb but it was mainly for hedge funds."