Gourmet Gumshoe T-Shirts

"You can stop the pain, Marcel. Just show us how to crust a sea bass."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

Too much cilantro

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

To do before Saturday...

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

'I think I'll go home and eat'

The Main Types of Cheese

His Her Cakes

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Menu Dating

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

'Is this still America?'

Cheese