Furniture Care Gifts

My couch

"There ya go. Cushion rot from farting into the same old chair for 40 years"

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

'Biffy was scratching the heck out of the furniture, so we put her on the upholstery patch,'

'What? I'm scratching the sofa! I'm not! And if I was? It's your fault!'

Fumes from furniture

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

Interior design trends for parents....

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

"All in favor of destroying the throw pillow, raise your paw."

"Why don't you come get me? Oh that's right, you aren't allowed on the couch!"

"This is a clever little shop. It makes you think it would be fun to own a lamp."

"On the eighth day, God found a lot of assembly parts left over."

"Something went wrong after you inserted tab A into slot B."

"Surprise!"

'Before you come with me, tell me...does this robe look a little rumpled to you? I don't think the dry cleaners got the creases out, do you?'

Four Common Lampshade Mistakes and How To Avoid Them.

"The knights of the round accent table"

The Lion, the witch and the flat-pack self-assembly wardrobe: lion and witch putting a wardrobe together.

Fittd shēt

"Oh, wow! Is that stunning or what?" "Mid-century classic. Should be in a museum. Let's pee on it." "Totally."

"This new chair has the smoothest 360 swivel action on the market!"

'I had no idea Ikea had been around so long.'

"OK, last time: Cado teak lounge chair from Denmark – me. Doggy bed – you."

"Funny. My girlfriend said the same thing."

"The problem with these instructions is that they assume I have the attention span to actually read something."

'Adam and Eve in the garden of Sweden'

'This chair ain't big enough for the both of us.'

"If it's got my ass on it, it's befitting of royalty."

'I'd like to match this credenza.'

Lay-Z-Family Recliner

"Are you sure there wasn't a floor model?"

"I tell ya - if I ever stop moving, I'll die."

"John, wake up, I think the mattress has stopped breathing."

"Attention, everyone! I'd like to introduce the newest member of our family."