Funny Meeting Enthusiast Gifts

Now I'll open up the floor to questions and batsh*t crazy rants.

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

'I'm sorry, but everyone is in a meeting.'

'Now, keep in mind that these numbers are only as accurate as the fictitious data, ludicrous assumptions and wishful thinking they're based upon!'

"And where have you previously moused?"

"The article you sent me on how technology causes stress crashed my computer."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"Ahhh....I think that was a flying fuck."

'Before we start, shall we go round the table, and each share our name and a horrible dark secret from our past.'

"Here's some of my work for you to do. It should be a refreshing change...for me."

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

"That's six 'noes' and one 'aye', the ayes have it"

"I suggest we start with the low hanging fruit."

'You'll enjoy our staff meetings. We always begin and end with the product.'

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

"Take two pies to the face and call me in the morning."

"I can't decide who gets the promotion, so we'll settle it with a rope toy Tug O' War."

'Face it, we're never going to reach a consensus.'

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

'Anyone who opposes the plan I'm about to propose please signify by saying 'I resign.''

'This prediction has a margin of error of plus or minus fifteen...fifteen class-action suits brought against the company.'

Should not have put that suggestion in the suggestion box.'

'In the computer simulation he said he admired my candor and gave me a raise.'

'Congratulations, Yomp - we're giving you a bigger carrot!'

"I was going to tell you it's a jungle out there, but I realize that's probably old news to you."

...The computer says you can handle 20 more work

'Remember you told me to be friendly to your boss.'

'It's not fair. Women doing the same job I'm doing in this office are being paid more than I am!'

'She finally made employee of the month but she paid the ultimate price.'