Anti-meeting Enthusiast Gifts

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

'I'm sorry, but everyone is in a meeting.'

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'Before we start, shall we go round the table, and each share our name and a horrible dark secret from our past.'

"That's six 'noes' and one 'aye', the ayes have it"

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

'This prediction has a margin of error of plus or minus fifteen...fifteen class-action suits brought against the company.'

'Anyone who opposes the plan I'm about to propose please signify by saying 'I resign.''

'Congratulations, Yomp - we're giving you a bigger carrot!'

"There appears to be a direct correlation between fewer meetings and higher productivity."

'Ms. Snack, prepare the conference room for an executive sting.'

Business leader to group: 'Who's making the donkey sounds?'

"And, while there's no reason yet to panic, I think it only prudent that we make preparations to panic."

Responsibility and duties

'We need to change the introduction to our annual report. What's another word for bankrupt?'

"Unlike other companies, we are going to take the high road through this rough time, even if, at some point, we're obliged to raid the employee pension fund! Is everybody clear on that?"

Conference Pears

"Next meeting back to paper. Everyone missed doodle."

"That's Arnie, our resident meeting moth. He doesn't have an office... Just flits all day from one meeting to another. And be careful: he's got a thing for wool!"

'I meet therefore I MANAGE.'

Now I'll open up the floor to questions and batsh*t crazy rants.

'Thanks for flying in for the meeting.'

"Not the most impressive strategic plan I've ever seen."

'Who's pumped about this meeting?!'

The Sky Is The Limit

"We could hire another accountant and secretary, but wouldn't it be fun to have a barista?"

"Pardon us, Harrison, if the board fails to share your enthusiasm for the foliage up in Darien,"

"But rather than me just sitting here talking, why don't we watch this video of me sitting here talking?"

People who work-from-home, annual get together.

Agreeable Noises

"I just wonder if there aren't some team members who could be a bit more focused in meetings."

'This committee will have two functions - to execute my plans and to accept responsibility if they fail.'