Funny Guy Gifts

'Hello... Hare Club for Men...'

Growl - Hiss Conflict Resolution Meeting

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

"Oh, yeah, that's the spot... just stay there... hurt so good... a little harder—yes! You are my hero, no kidding, I freaking love y-oooh..."

You're dead to me, Marsha. And that's just the way I like it."

'That's one hell of a cat-flap Harry. You must have a big cat, heh, heh.'

'Maybe the batteries are dead.'

A Punch and Judy Professor is visited by Death as a puppet.

"Toadstool you say? No, this is snailstool now!"

'My god! Have you seen the size of this chiropodist's bill?!!'

Dog phrenology

How witness protection really works...

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

"I have an idea. How about I don't have to eat broccoli until I learn how to spell it."

'Great! You mean it's obedience school prom season already!'

"Ladies! Ladies! Do you wanna roll my Mercedes..."

"Every five minutes it's 'feed me this, get me that' or something along those lines, I mean, I'm parrot-phrasing."

The Principal of Inertia.

'Mom, Dad - this is Jeremy.'

Little known fact #244: Cholera was not the #1 cause of death for children on the Oregon Trail

'I'm all about quantity.'

Our body parts

"Talking's ok but to me walking on your hind legs is simply taking anthropomorphism a bit too far."

"Waiter! - will my pizza be long?"

Fish building a bomb to save themselves.

"Oooh, look — a penny!"

"Madeleine is always losing her contact lenses"

"You see, I told you it was worth the climb! Your first 'bird's eye view'. . ."

'Enough, George... I let you get the stupid pool. I'm not going to cut your dinner into little pieces and dump it in.'

"I enjoy younger guys, but they have to be house-broken."

May I get a little extra recess time, Ma'am? I've got to hunt and crush my lunch!

"I don't think air guitar counts."

popcorn...

Walk the dog.