Funny Domestic Life Gifts

'I thought we agreed we weren't going to go to bed angry anymore. . .'

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

Hungry child

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Man's best friends."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Do you recall the exact moment the balance of power shifted?"

"Just a brief moment, Linda, to thank you for my delicious meals. And if you need me by your side... just whistle." "What fresh hell is this?"

"Want me to talk to the squirrel's mother, or would you prefer to handle it on your own?"

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'Rabbits make great pets, but it's best to have them one at a time.'

"My dang neck is killin' me again." "That's because you left your dang hanger in your coat. Again."

Always Compatible

"Do we go out or do we stay home and open a can of worms?"

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

“Can I have her now? Hey! My turn.”

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

'Actually, she's turned out to be a very clever pet. Watch when Rex stands up, she'll feed him a biscuit.'

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

'Honey, I'm home - for good.'

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

"Do I have to go out again!?"

"But I use all of them!"

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

"You think you hate me now, but just wait until I'm old and a burden to you."

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

'Who put Grandad's teeth in the aquarium?'

"Harold! Don't forget to get the eggs!"

"You forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. It's written all over your face."

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done