Funny Christmas Card Collector Gifts

'One more thing -- My Dad says that if you bring me one more 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' tape, he'll rip off your beard and set fire to it.'

'No more for him mate. He's driving.'

Speed Dating for Turtles

Ball as water-melon.

"I love these old decorations!"

"Gerald converted the barbecue grill to natural gas."

Christmas Hugs

'After a Gadzillon glasses of milk and cookies who wouldn't have an upset stomach?'

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'HO,HO,HO,WHY ARE YOU AFRAID OF SANTA CLAUS??!!'

"Are you the pickle guy or the baby guy?"

"Identity theft hotline? Yes, it's Dracula again. Millions of people are still stealing my identity on Halloween."

Happy Valentine's Day

A sheep, a humming bird and a beetle - 'Baa, hum, bug'

"You have such beautiful eyes."

Fertility Clinic - "Who wants to be mother?"

Who Typexed out the grass?

'Do you have one that plays the theme from Godzilla?'

"You should have said you only wanted a trim. . . I'd have sent you to the barber next door."

The First Black Friday

Valentines for Things

'Relax Mrs Flanagan, I've never known a high fibre exorcism to fail yet!'

2After using the Internet all day, Brad doesn't like any kind of popup."

Free Chimney Cleaning.

"That's a nasty cavity. That is why it is so important to brush your hair."

'Do you have one that plays the theme from Godzilla?'

'Cards don't send greetings, people send greetings.'

'That's typical as soon as you snap on the light, they disappear.'

Happy birthday to you!

Parp!

'I almost forgot...Happy Birthday!'

"It's unrealistic for us to have a chimney, tree, or stockings, so you can forget about Santa."

Tooty-Fruity

Happy Xmas

'Dang...too fast food!'