Funeral Satirist Gifts

'This modestly priced model says, 'He always seemed like an okay guy.''

'Think on . . . no clapping - and definitely no cheering!'

The game comes first...

'I'm glad you could make it. He always liked you. Can you stay for the flush?'

'I don't remember predetermining THAT!'

"Who'd have thought old Harry would turn out to be a vampire?"

'He wanted to be remembered this way.'

"Hope you don't mind—it was his last request."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

Dead Man's Handel

"As always he found a way to duck out of working overtime!"

'That was so funny. I haven't booed that loudly in years.'

A signaller directing pallbearers

"Dearly beloved - We gather today to honor the life of the greatest magician of our time."

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

Priest gives the last rites to an expired metre.

"Well he was there a minute ago!"

"He was right about saving that box. It did come in handy."

"I think it's important to remember that he isn't gone forever. He's still alive. He just played a character on TV who died."

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

'She was always very proud of her figure.'

"Johnson's selling ad space in the tunnel of light."

"You fool! This isn't embalming fluid, this is my coffee."

Fisherman Funneral

"His last wish was that we delete his browsing history."

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."

Bugs hold a candle-light vigil for fallen comrade while the old man responsible for his death is unrepentant.

'Why is he always hanging around?'

'I thought new home prices had fallen.'

"Hell of a way to end the summer."

'When you said we were planting a bug, this isn't what I thought you had in mind."

"When Kevin walked into a room, he lit it up."

O'Leary's Monuments

'I think he would have been pleased to know that I got his entire record breaking bungee jump on video.'

"Pleasant Hill Funeral Home. Free Wi-Fi."