Funeral Planning Fan Pillows

'I'm looking for something with more legroom.'

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'While I'm here, what are your favourite hymns?'

'Oh no! I forgot to change his ring tone to the funeral march!'

"Given a choice, would you prefer to be buried, cremated or converted to fossil fuel?"

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

"Harold died happy knowing he gained a certain immortality through social media."

A signaller directing pallbearers

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

"What if you go under before I need to?"

"It's just that they usually ask for their ASHES to be scattered!"

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

"Dearly beloved - We gather today to honor the life of the greatest magician of our time."

I told myself I wasn't going to cry at his funeral

"I know I agreed to hold a funeral for Wendy's goldfish...but did she have to ask Reverend Clark to officiate?"

Coffin floating out of outflow pipe.

'You'd look good in that.'

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

"You fool! This isn't embalming fluid, this is my coffee."

'Do you think there's anything after death?'

'I tend to bury stuff.'

We think he's dead, but why don

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

"I want my ashes scattered over Bergdorf's."

"He will be remembered by his Google Assistant."

Tombstone: 'Paul F. Nelson, Doing the Dead Thing Exclusively at Greenmeadow Cemetery since Sept. 25, 2005'

'If we do meet again in the after-life, you don't know me, o.k.?'

"The doctors said it's just one of the side effects of the medication he's on."

"Of course, in life he was allergic to them."

"Hell of a way to end the summer."

'I wouldn't be seen dead in a cardboard coffin!'

Sympathy Cards

O'Leary's Monuments