Friendship Irony Seeker Gifts

"And another thing, you never say I look nice."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

Artisan hot dog stand has pigs tethered to it.

"My service animal for Alzheimer's, sonny!"

"Wait, wait, back up, back up. Who the #!@! is George Orwell?"

"Most women find me too cutthroat."

"...and those are my deepest, most intimate feelings about our friendship."

What do you think about this "too big to fail" stuff?

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

'I'm looking for male bonding, but I'm a little rusty.'

"Barry stop!. . . I'm you! I'm Barry from 2008. I'm using a time machine to stop you from making an awful mistake!"

The Red Carpet

"I'm supposed to be loyal, relieve stress, be 'Man's best friend'...I don't need this kind of pressure!"

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'

Eurydice in prison

"They say it's the last of the really big cattle drives, and I'm just glad I'm here to see it."

"The average citizen doesn't have a clue - or why would we keep getting re-elected?"

"All of my friends are imaginary."

'You have a friend request.'

"There's no point in our being friends if you won't let me fix you."

'A late payment and a friendly reminder cross paths in the mail.'

'Money can't buy friendship.'-'Neither can poverty.'

'We need to panic until common sense returns.'

"Oh don't mind us, we are just having a small get together!"

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

Lost and found - 'Can you desribe it?' (Queen being asked having lost her crown).

"Beware of dog"

"Yesterday I got in touch with a childhood friend!"

"I always said I'd sleep when I'm dead, and yet here I am doing paperwork."

Local anaesthetic.

"Don't even start, Claire. You knew I was a snake when you took me in."

'I thought my people were happy, I know I was.

'There's a simple explanation, dear. Someone stole my identity.'

"They said it couldn't be done – I made a friend as an adult!"