Friendly Gathering Gifts

"Why is it every time we get together we end up squabbling?"

"Are you insane?!" The Velveteen Skunk

"This place has the best happy hour."

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

'Ahhh...'

Uncle demonstrating chemical experiments to children

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

"Oh, no - Karen baked a cake so dense that not even light can escape."

T"ruly, Susan, I envy no man."

"Hi-yah!"

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

"What makes you think I'm dripping it on my shirt?"

Duke of Clarence (Later William IV) Promenading with Family

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

Can I give you a slice of the action?

"I'm not eating cookies before dinner. I'm having cookies for dinner!"

The prying mantis,

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"

"I think I'm having pre-traumatic stress disorder."

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Mommy's going to teach you how to make a hamburger."

The devil you know and his plus one

"See this jelly wobbling. It was waving goodbye."

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

Every time you make a blend, somewhere, a wine maker dies.

'No. The television screen hasn't gone red - You've got tomato ketchup all over your glasses!'

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"It's kind of sweet when they're all settled in like this."

'Never mind about buying that trampoline. I love your new bed!'

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"Gracie, today I'm teaching you a Bermudez family tradition...passed down from generation to generation! Vamonos! Out! Now!"