Forensic Foodie Gifts

'Another sad case of an over dose on uncut sugar cereal.'

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

Try to guess the continent dining...

"Two burgers, two fries, two martinis—and we'll have those to go."

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

"Well, son. . . here your dad makes the famous 'fresh from nature' food!"

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

GM Crops Genie.

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

CSI Fridays

Horse meat scandal.

"Your chocolate biscuits and cakes are getting smaller - and where's your sweets aisle?"

'You're experienced with blood stains I trust?' (Smarthy ACME Carpet Cleaners)

'If Darwin had been the cook on the Beagle' 'Menu- its Evolution'.

"Do you have anything with FOOD in it?"

Rat Hair: Peanut Butter Ingredient.

"Management would like you to keep in mind that the latest research indicates that everything on our 'Healthy Menu' is now unhealthy."

"Pecan pie with rum-raisin ice cream is the best revenge."

The big break in the case of the missing French Fries: 'But just to make sure, can you have each of them squawk.'

'Police. We have reason to believe you've been hacking into your neighbor's computers and stealing their recipes.'

"Will you all please bow your heads for the reading of the menu."

CIA Cafeteria: 'It's nice of you to ask, but the recipe is classified.'

"Stomach content analysis shows the onions were sauteed after the pork was added but before adding the fennel."

"Excuse me, sir! Do these vegetables have any dangerous additives?"

'Food critics cannot determine what are crime scenes.'

'I keep getting stomach cramps after eating.' - 'You're probably intolerant to certain foods.' - 'Can you test for that?' - 'Yes, just eat things one by one and see what makes you ill.' - 'Won't that be slow and painful?' - 'Fingers crossed.'