True Crime Foodie Gifts

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

"Two burgers, two fries, two martinis—and we'll have those to go."

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

"Well, son. . . here your dad makes the famous 'fresh from nature' food!"

'I had no idea would be a choice.'

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

'I burned my fingers by touching the hot breakfast eggs, but next time, I'll peel them before I put them into boiling water!'

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

GM Crops Genie.

'Another sad case of an over dose on uncut sugar cereal.'

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

Horse meat scandal.

The moat won't keep you from raiding the fridge if you order him to lower the drawbridge.

"Your chocolate biscuits and cakes are getting smaller - and where's your sweets aisle?"

CSI Fridays

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

"Do you have anything with FOOD in it?"

The big break in the case of the missing French Fries: 'But just to make sure, can you have each of them squawk.'

Rat Hair: Peanut Butter Ingredient.

"Try and push the eye of newt and wing of bat casserole."

"Remind me - superfood or carcinogen?"

"Sure we could just print out the specials, but the chef doesn't want to leave a paper trail."

'Police. We have reason to believe you've been hacking into your neighbor's computers and stealing their recipes.'

"When you came down for a snack last night, did you see a plate of dog food in here?"

'He asked me if I wanted to put anything on my burger, so I had a tenner each way.'

'Waiter! There's a . . . oh, never mind.'

Butcher Shop. Special: Soup Bones! Soup has bones?!

CIA Cafeteria: 'It's nice of you to ask, but the recipe is classified.'

'How can anything this bad be fattening?.'

"Excuse me, sir! Do these vegetables have any dangerous additives?"

"Stomach content analysis shows the onions were sauteed after the pork was added but before adding the fennel."

'I keep getting stomach cramps after eating.' - 'You're probably intolerant to certain foods.' - 'Can you test for that?' - 'Yes, just eat things one by one and see what makes you ill.' - 'Won't that be slow and painful?' - 'Fingers crossed.'