Football Couch Coach Gifts

'I don't mind you watching 'Match of the Day' but...'

"Good game."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

"You think you can? Think again, mister. You know you can. Got that?"

"Those aren't coconuts, they're tennis balls." "Sweet mother of Novak Djokovic!" The island of lost tennis balls.

Reach for the Star.

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

'I love your cardiovascular system!'

"There will be a winning team and a losing team. Are you OK with that?"

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

'Sure beats your cupping your ear!'

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

The trauma of losing.

Time Is Money

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

Go! Means NOW!

'Another football scholarship offer?'

'Will you lot come out! - the new kit's not that bad!'

Back to school.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a MAP, actually."

"Some advice please...How do I squeeze 9 days work into 5 and still see my family?"

"And the letterbox version, how does that make you feel."

'We need you to get onto those high balls coming over'

'Pass it to Dewey! He's got himself into some kind of rhythm!!'

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

Football

Even good cholesterol can develop an unhealthy sports addiction...

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

"I'm not using my jumper as a goalpost, sir, I'm using it as a jumper."

A Hard Look At Hard Looks

'Why couldn't you throw like that in the game?'