Food Label Detective Gifts

"Looks like they've simplified the nutritional information."

'This looks good. The first ingredient is calories.'

One of several sugar maple trees is labled sugar free.

Peanut Butter Warning: Contains Peanuts.

Sure, I'll take a sandwich

Market. Uh, oh--Under "Nutritional Facts" they've printed the fifth amendment.

Carcinogenic/Non-carcinogenic.

'Pick your own 'Free Range' genetically modified produce'

Trans Fat Free Cookies - Trans fat has killed people. Are you one of them?

'You have to send in $5 for a decoder ring to decipher the list of ingredients.'

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

Honest Vending

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

"Well, son. . . here your dad makes the famous 'fresh from nature' food!"

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

'Dorothy - we're not in the health food section anymore.'

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

GM Crops Genie.

'...Contains Phixe-knide, TBHQ, hydro-cla, Cyklid, Yetfopnmide - and other unpronounceable stuff.' (grocery store)

Horse meat scandal.

"Your chocolate biscuits and cakes are getting smaller - and where's your sweets aisle?"

'Advanced warning: High cholesterol 10mtrs ahead.'

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

"Do you have anything with FOOD in it?"

'Just between you and me, Mrs Frobish, how'd you like the lowdown on what's really in knockwurst?'

Rat Hair: Peanut Butter Ingredient.

The big break in the case of the missing French Fries: 'But just to make sure, can you have each of them squawk.'

Processed foods, unprocessed foods.

"Remind me - superfood or carcinogen?"

'It appears that 'reduced fat' means high fat, 'lo-fat' means plenty of fat, and 'fat-free' means some fat.'

'Police. We have reason to believe you've been hacking into your neighbor's computers and stealing their recipes.'