Food Label Explorer Gifts

Yum Yum Crackers.

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

"Young man, the world is your oyster, but for God�s sake avoid peanuts, soy, milk, eggs, wheat, fish, tree nuts, and chocolate."

Attack of the 'health' foods

'...Contains Phixe-knide, TBHQ, hydro-cla, Cyklid, Yetfopnmide - and other unpronounceable stuff.' (grocery store)

'Advanced warning: High cholesterol 10mtrs ahead.'

"Congratulations! For checking the fridge 30 times in under an hour, you've won something that you actually want to eat!"

'It's not that I'm stupid. I'm lactose intolerant and on a diet.'

'What the devil is that?' - 'I don't know, I haven't named it yet.'

'Cool snack, Tommy! My folks are into health foods too!'

Kitchen Consultations

'You said we can grow our own food. So, where's the hot dog seeds.'

"Come now, Gracie! Squash is a great vegetable...it can be fried, sliced, baked, steamed or boiled...before you refuse to eat it."

'You don't need to worry Jean, he's a very simple cook.'

"Ding dong bell, Pussy's into wellness."

Deep in the heart of the one-star restaurant district...'Guess what you're eating buffet!'

"Boneless, gluten free, vegan, grass fed, free range, bananas."

Now With Organic Artifical Additives

"These are the scientists behind some of your favorite preservatives."

'Jake's Alternate Pharmacy.'

'Orange juice from 100% carrots'

Tofu: Firm, Soft, Amusingly Jiggly

One of several sugar maple trees is labled sugar free.

Lack of Nutrition Information

Al's Health Spa: You are what you eat.

"Apparently, some of the additives cause a nerve disorder, but others cure it."

'You have to send in $5 for a decoder ring to decipher the list of ingredients.'

Carcinogenic/Non-carcinogenic.

'Where is the 'it won't immediately kill you' aisle?'

'Daddy, this is Eddie. Eddie's conducting a study on middle class eating habits.'

'This snack is vegan. It's 100% artificial ingredients.'

An elderly couple arrive at Kiddie Pool Buffet, where people are wearing swim suits etc. and serving food from the pool itself.