Food Freshness Fanatic Gifts

Best if used before it spoils.

"I date everything before I freeze it, so I know when to throw it away."

Dairy. You don't need to cover your ears, Ernie. Expiration dates are not spoiler alerts. Milk.

Counting ribs

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

Freshest ice cream in town!

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Our farmer brought fresh beans, tomatoes, corn and squash this week. Nice. You should have bought into the farm share. I've got my own farmer. Mine's cheap. Mine's cheaper. Thanks, mom. You can't take more zucchini?

A corner market is taken over by suburban sprawl.

"Just a couple of ninety cent seed packets, and you can have fresh garden vegetables for heaven knows how long."

CAUTION: Creative genius at work

"Nice try, Mom, but I'm going to go with a caterer."

"Oh, no - not another farmer's market!"

"Please don't kill me."

'Waiter, there's a hairball in my soup, too.'

Planting veggies

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'I never knew baking was such a violent activity. You have to beat the eggs, whip the cream, and mash the nuts.'

A convenient attack of swine flu...

Chef picking salad leaves from a hanging basket outside his restaurant.

'Real hungry? Should be, 'Really hungry.' Adjectives take adverbs.'

A genetically-modified,hydroponically-grown tomato conducts a taste-test of its own.

Man on Stilts in a Market

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

Fresh picked baseballs.

"We can serve a rare handburger, but because of health regulations, this room will have to be heated to 160 degrees."

'This is quite common. You've eaten so many sausages that you've turned into one.'

"That banquet was most delicious, and yet now, somehow, once again I feel the pang of hunger.'

"Waiter!"

"It's only the Ericksons, so why don't you just use the recalled hamburger meat."

"We might be in trouble – the environment people have cited us as a hazardous waste site."

Cook spills food and has to open a can (tin).

'Three, two, one. Stand clear.'