Food Freshness Detective Gifts

"Spoiler alert, Bob. If you need to carbon-date you lunch it's spoiled."

Try to guess the continent dining...

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

Honest Vending

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

"He was WOK-ing in a winter wonderland."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

"Well, son. . . here your dad makes the famous 'fresh from nature' food!"

"Number 2. Step forward please."

Mother to son, regarding stolen cake: 'I don't need to check anything with 'the boys in forensics' I know it was you.'

"Okay, lets see what we have here."

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

The Huge-Underground Vat theory of why all wonton soup tastes exactly the same.

Sure, I'll take a sandwich

'Dorothy - we're not in the health food section anymore.'

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

"Ah — excellent catsup."

GM Crops Genie.

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

"What the heck did I do with that leftover turkey?!"

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

Turkey Autopsy

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

"Your chocolate biscuits and cakes are getting smaller - and where's your sweets aisle?"

Horse meat scandal.

"Do you have anything with FOOD in it?"

The big break in the case of the missing French Fries: 'But just to make sure, can you have each of them squawk.'

The History of Anti-stick

Rat Hair: Peanut Butter Ingredient.